Alert Status: High

IMPORTANT LATE BREAKING NEWS:

The Delawarean Department of Financial Security

has raised the Financial Alert status to "High".

I've gone into, what I call, my two-minute financial drill. The only expenditures that are allowed are for stamps to mail résumés. Cell phone usage is limited to off-peak (free time). The heat is lowered a few degrees and I start wearing layers of clothing. I walk to places that the lazy version of me would unnecessarily drive to. Bills get paid as I see fit to pay them instead of as soon as I receive them. And I'm going to start cooking more. Scary.

If things get really bad, I may be forced to move to "Severe". In the event that the Alert Status has moved to "Severe", you are to immediately donate any spare toilet paper, food, soap, fish food, and cans of Sterno that you may have. You are also instructed to pay no attention to the man rooting through your garbage in front of your house. This is for your own safety.

Thank you for your cooperation.